Something happened that gave me pause this morning.
I went shopping yesterday. Without thinking much about it, I bought a little pre-packaged organic parsley growing kit for the kitchen. I got home and dumped the potting soil into the container. I watered it (spilling half of the water onto the windowsill and floor), added some fertilizer, and planted the miniscule parsley seeds.
This may not seem significant. But this morning, I looked at that pot and realized I had done something optimistic. I had assumed that I would survive long enough to see that parsley grow and be harvested.
Over the past four months, I have actually spent very little time thinking about the future, other than thinking it would suck, and wondering how I was going to survive another day of it. Optimism was beyond my reach.
I have had several heated arguments with TG about my attitude. She is a devil-may-care-everything-will-work-itself-out type.She doesn't worry about the future or the past - she lives in the present. She is also, to my planning mind set, irresponsible. She doesn't get mammograms or colonoscopies. She doesn't care what her credit rating is. She doesn't care whether she can afford an iPad - she just buys it. I doubt she pays income taxes on time, if she pays them at all.
T believes that I am unhappy now because I am thinking negative thoughts. I don't know if she understands my grief. I don't know if she has ever known true love.
I do know she thought Doug was a wonderful guy and a saint, and that, like me, she wishes he were still alive. But she has accepted that he is not alive. That's something I can't do yet. I want him to be living his life (with me of course). I want him back. I want what we had. I know it's not an option, but the wanting is so intense and I can't imagine living without him. I am resisting reality.
T thinks "it's all good." That there is a bright side to everything. Sorry, but I simply cannot think of an adequate bright side to Doug's death. Especially not for him.
Of course I can do the reverse what-ifs and tell myself that if he had lived, he might have gotten horribly sick or been paralyzed and not able to lead an active life and so on....
In reality, if his heart hadn't stopped that day and we knew that there were issues with it, there were remedies that would have allowed him to lead a normal life for decades more. I would have taken a month or a year more.
For me, I'm not seeing the bright side. Am I supposed to be grateful that there is now more room in the closet? Or more room in bed? Sorry, the downside crushes the upside.
I don't deny that there is something to be learned from painful experiences. But nothing I learn can benefit Doug.
I actually used to be a Life is Great (a level up from Life is Good) person. After Doug died, I downgraded into a Life is Crap person. I know things will probably get better over time, but right now It feels like it will last forever. Time has slowed down and dragged on in Misery Molasses.
But I did plant some seeds yesterday. Okay, maybe I'm not yet planting an apple orchard that won't bear fruit for 20 years. I am starting to think of life ahead. Now the question is - will those seeds sprout?
©2010. Designed by Chimalis LLC.
Please request permission before re-publishing content from this website, except for content on the quotes/poems page. This website is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention. The author shall have neither liability nor responsibility to any person or entity with respect to any loss, damage or disruption caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly, by any information contained on this website.