This blog is chronological order. Click on the links or orange bars to read more.
In the "beginning" of this journey, I told the funeral director that I was lost. I felt as if my life were over. He told me that I would change in ways I could never imagine right then, and have experiences I might not have had otherwise, as a result of this loss. I knew he was probably right. The problem is, I loved the life we were living before.
Yesterday, our neighbor friend D invited me to join him for a day in the Berkshires. He usually goes with family. I figured I would not be very good company, but also realized getting out would be better than moping alone.
We drove up and talked the entire trip. We enjoyed an amazingly delicious meal at the historic Red Lion Inn. I had a minor crying jag in the bathroom. Doug would have really liked the building and we never got a chance to explore that area. I threw caution to the wind, and had a decadent slice of flourless chocolate cake.
Then D treated me to the afternoon concert of mostly English pop music with the Boston symphony at Tanglewood.
We sat next to a famous, up and coming 17 year old composer conductor Alex Prior. David, who is a music lover, had met him at an earlier concert, after recognizing him from a PBS special. Prior said he was thinking about writing an opera about Martin Luther King. I said something idiotic like "will it be in English?," at which point he shot me a look of utter disbelief and informed me that operas had not been written in Italian for about 150 years. It reminded me of how UNpretentious Doug was.
David asked if I thought Doug might have enjoyed the concert. I'm not sure - he probably would have squirmed through parts that were unusual. I DO know Doug & I probably would NOT have done a day like that on our own. We were too frugal and Doug wasn't really that kind of music.
It was quite a uxorious and interesting day. I felt guilty for enjoying it so much, when Doug will never enjoy anything again.
When I got home, I realized I have misplaced my wallet somewhere. I probably stuck it in the freezer while my head was in a fog. I must stop being so careless - I'm continually breaking and losing too many things that I don't have the time or the money to replace. When things like this happen (a lot) it intensifies the feeling of being totally overwhelmed and out of control.
Some people live a larger life,
no matter what life's length.
By looking on the brighter side,
They find an inner strength.
They take whatever time they have
and live for all they're worth,
Spreading love and happiness
to others hear on earth.
They laugh a little louder
and care a little more
and show through their example
just what life is for.
Although we miss them
when they're gone
what stories we can tell
of how they made a difference
by simply living well.
- Hallmark card
Maybe it is just my imagination or increased sensitivity, but it seems like people in our 'hood are living larger since we lost Doug. They all got another wake up call on how short life can be. They are spending more quality time together, talking, laughing (and crying on occasion.) Dating again. Appreciating each other. Telling their loved ones they are loved. Reaching out and helping each other more. Inviting others to join them in celebrations. Getting out and about on more adventures. And trying to live a healthier lifestyle in order to have as much time as possible with the ones they love. It makes my heart glad. Their joy in living life subtracts from my sorrow. Their sharing and support help me feel less alone.
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