This blog is chronological order. Click on the links or orange bars to read more.
Serious hangover. Doug would be proud.
Today was the first day that Tenzing, our cat, wanted to play a bit. (At some point will I have to stop saying "our?") He and Doug used to rough-house for hours. Tenzing brought me a mouse gift that had gotten inside through the gaping holes in the backroom, and then let it go (alive) in my office.
I needed to do some real life things, like bring piles of trash and recyclables to the landfill. One of our wonderful neighbors would have done it for me, but I need to save up my chips. Plus I had some other errands to run - including depositing Doug's last paycheck. Saw a couple of our sad friends while recycling.
I decided I would check the nestboxes at the Smith Memorial Trail on the closed landfill. I had not looked at since this happened. The firsts are hard - first time doing that alone. We did our dump dates together.
The bluebirds down by the "Crap Shack" had all fledged. I got a surprise up on the closed landfill - four blue pearls in what I thought was a used Tree Swallow nest I was about to clean out.
A bright blue dragonfly whizzed in front of me. When I got to the second half of the trail, I was looking at the wildflowers, thinking about how Doug often picked some for me when we were out and about. I yanked up some Black-eyed Susan's for myself. Suddenly I felt he was near. I even looked back to see if he was trudging behind me.
At the end of the trail, the male bluebird flew in front of me as I walked down the hill back to the truck.
A weird itchy rash appeared and spread all over the right side of my back and neck. Thought it was poison ivy or hives, and asked Joyce to put some cortisone cream on it. She thought it looked like shingles. Apparently anyone who has had chicken pox can get shingles, especially after 50 and especially when you're under STRESS. Great! What else?
How about how much my back aches - maybe the pain is transferring from my heart. And the fact that there are rats in the duck pen, eating the duck chow because I can't let them run free because two of them got eaten last week by a red fox.
And the riding lawnmower wouldn't start. Dead battery. Thank goodness for Dirk. He was at the house digging up the back room to get it ready for carpenter-bro-John. He found Doug's charger (I would not have even have known what it looked like) and cleaned off the contacts. It started right up. The guy has a heart of gold and does NOT wear a dress! (He is as handy as Doug.)
From philosophical, upbeat, silly friend Dennis:
"Bet... Bet... Bet... No need to regret... you had the coolest husband that God invented yet. Stay the course, no remorse, let the good times be your guide. Your wishes weren't misses, remember him with pride."
Doug's cousin Ellen lost her brother Jeff several years ago. She shared something with me that really rang true.
"The saying that 'all wounds heal' is not true. They remain forever, but the difference, I can tell you, is that the wound moves to the inside of yourself, where others no longer will see it, and you will expose it less and less as you recover yourself to live in the 'outside' world."
Kim emailed me that she did a 15 mile hike yesterday near Banff in Canada. She got up to frozen alpine lakes and hiked along a high ridge at about 9000 feet,with snow fields and gorgeous views.She said it was like being on the roof of the world - they could see mountain peaks stretching for miles.
"Needless to say Doug was on my mind with every step; this was his place!" When she reached the top, she put a picture of him in the snow on the edge of the cliff with spectacular views all around. Thank you Kim.
I wonder when I will have to stop saying "we" and "ours"
I wear my wedding and engagement ring on my finger. I noticed that Dirk's mom, Edna, still wears her wedding ring. Her husband died of a heart attack at age 59.
I wear Doug's wedding ring on a necklace. When I miss him most, I slip my finger through it and imagine his there.
Fortunately I am very busy - John, Dirk, Dad Z, Mike H and Dean G are working on getting the back room off the jacks and onto the sills and starting the floor system. It's stinking hot and hard work but they have gotten a tremendous amount done. Doug would be amazed and thrilled. I had a major meltdown today, in part because it is so painful to know that Doug will never see the progress.
I have not had to spend a single night alone here yet, nor make a meal, thanks to our awesome family, friends and neighbors.
It's been a month, but it seems like a few days. I still can't bear to remember what happened for more than a minute or two. The rest of the time I refuse to think about reality.
Falling apart. Irritable with some people who are not like Doug. I can't seem to take being teased or barked at right now - things are too raw.
Went to the first of the Z Flix film series. The films I chose match the dark place I am in. The first one was Walkabout. Children came. WTF was I thinking?
People have been so amazing in response to my bottomless need. I feel undeserving. If it were me, I'd probably drop off a pan of brownies and ask them to call me if I could help, and then wait. These people do not wait. They are there at every turn, helping me. How will I ever be able to repay them? Here is good advice from a bluebirding friend.
Never, and I mean never, believe anyone's acts of kindness are not sincere. Let others be kind to you, do things for you, listen to you, talk to you, be with you and not talk, break down with you, laugh with you, etc.etc.etc. Do this, not only for you, but for them as well. - Duane R.
Since you’ve been gone
my world is empty
Like a desert without sand
Like an ocean without water
Like a country without land.
Since you’ve been gone
my world is empty
My days are hard and long
I’m like a fish out of the water
I’m like a bird without a song
- Mary Chancey, excerpted from a poem Since You've Been Gone
More quotes and poems
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