ADVICE FOR THE BEREAVED

When I was suddenly widowed, some friends and family listened and provided loving support. This was invaluable. Others provided advice - lots of it - some good, some bad, some really bad. After a year and a half, I would say the best pieces of advice I got were these.

THE BEST ADVICE I GOT

  • Everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time. Do what works for you.
  • Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time. There is no rush. Take things one day at a time. Don't expect too much too soon.
    • Early on, trying to think longer term was overwhelming.
    • I'm glad I did not rush to get rid of Doug's things. I was in no shape to do it, and I think I would have given away or thrown out some things that I'm glad to have now.
  • Don't make any big decisions (move, quit your job, re-marry, jump off a cliff, etc.) in the first year.
    • For example, while I am thinking of moving now, it would have been a mistake for me to move too soon. I wasn't ready, it would have been stressful, and I would have disconnected from the invaluable support of my neighborhood.
  • Get help (e.g., go to a Bereavement Support Group, counselor, or books, hire a handyman.)
  • Exercise and eat healthy food.
    • Exercise helped me tremendously, by providing endorphins and a positive outlet. Eating right and exercising also provided energy.
  • Sign up / do the paperwork right away for benefits (pensions, health insurance, life insurance, etc.)
  • Write (e.g., in a journal)
  • Don't become a living monument to your lost spouse. They would hate that.

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I'm sure the following were said with good intentions, but this advice would not have worked for me. (Yes, people really did say these things.)

THE WORST ADVICE I GOT

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(01/12/2012)

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